Clerk: Sir, we got everything packaged and your total will be $16.76…

Patron: Oh I’m sorry. You must not know me. The names crime, and crime doesn’t pay.

2012 has come and gone, and throughout the year wouldn’t you know it, some dumb people did some stupid things. Things so stupid that it even warranted an article to be humorously written about them. So let’s not waste any time as 2013 has already begun, so without further ado, some of the dumbest criminals of 2013.

Unicycle Exhibitionist

(May 2012) Texas is known to produce a lot of unique things. Longhorn Steer, The Alamo, Dr. Pepper, all sorts of crazy things. But the latest addition of odd firsts would be a man by the name of 45-year-old Joseph Glynn Farley.

Mr. Farley had a dream, and for that dream he was arrested. His dream was to ride his unicycle across a public bridge naked in the town of Kemah. Police say they arrested him for distracting drivers and creating a public hazard. Police found his clothes at the bottom of the bridge, and Mr. Farley told them that he just liked the feeling of riding without his clothes.

Witnesses claimed that he had been falling off his unicycle and into traffic. However, no drugs or alcohol seemed to be in his system. So it would appear this bright conclusion solely came from his being simply high on life. I’m sure Mr. Farley was right on one point though, it probably does feel better to ride without clothes.

You Can’t Have Your Counterfeit And Eat It Too

(September 2012) At Darien Lake Theme Park in New York, police were called in when a man was reported of using counterfeit money to purchase food with. The 35-year-old man had reportedly bought some French Fries with a fake $50 bill.

When police approached him inside the theme park, the man attempted to shove another 5 counterfeit bills into his mouth to swallow them. He was unable to swallow them all however, and when asked where he received the fakes, he said they had been given to him as payment for a remodeling job. Goes to show, crime doesn’t pay. Even when you pay yourself.

Sometimes You Just Have To Say Goodbye

(January 2012) Some things are just too good to give up. In Flagstaff Arizona, a man was arrested while in jail for refusing to leave. 44-year-old Martin Batieni Kombate refused to leave jail after he was released, and police had no option but to arrest him…. Again.

Mr. Kombate’s reason was that he could not find his wallet and was not going to leave without it. This either must have been his first time in jail, or he didn’t know that whatever possessions you go to jail with, you are given upon leaving. So he either forgot he did not have a wallet, or he lost the one he had before he was arrested. Nonetheless, not necessarily something worth adding crimes to your record for, or spending more time in jail for that matter.

Did Someone Call The Fashion Police

(January 2012) Question of the day here. If you’re accused of selling crack cocaine, what should you show up to court wearing when you have your trial? The answer, surprisingly, is a sweatshirt with a recipe to cook crack covering it entirely.

A Florida man did just that, showing up to court wearing a sweatshirt that had a cartoon depiction of the process of cooking crack. The judge had a few words to say about it, but not much in the end. The man was found not guilty of his charges, and the sweatshirt was not mentioned again.

I’m Gonna Get Mine

(December 2012) When 34-year-old Scott Pipher pays for something, he makes sure he gets his money’s worth. Which is why after a local prostitute supposedly shorted him, he decided to call the police to inform them of her less ethical business morals and practices.

Mr. Pipher called the police and told them that a prostitute had failed to give him what he paid for, and that another 10 minutes was owed. The police listened, took notes, and promptly arrested the man for engaging a prostitute. They then also hunted down the supposed prostitutes and arrested them as well. Just goes to show, you don’t always get what you pay for.

Featured images:

•  License: Royalty Free or iStock source: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/521989

The author of this article is Damien S. Wilhelmi. If you enjoyed this piece, you can follow me on Twitter @FacePalmLaw. The law can be tricky to understand at times, so it’s best to have a Boulder Attorney to advise you.